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killcrazy May 14, 2011 2:09am

Wolf Game - Friday The 13th!
Jesus handed out the Jaffa Cakes. "I got these on special", he said, "Two packets for a pound".

"But, Lord" said Peter, "There are only twelve Jaffa Cakes, yet we number thirteen?".

"Yes" said Jesus, "the proto-Jewish war god we have inexplicably chosen as our supreme deity demands a sacrifice, I thought this would be a fair way of deciding who gets the noose".

"But, Lord" said Judas from the end of the table, "I did not receive a Jaffa Cake, they ran out before they got to...oh...I see".

"Wait" said Thomas, "Lord, did you not receive two packets of cakes from the Tesco in Jaffa? Could not then brother Judas take the first of the new packet? The first shall be last and all that?"

"Your words are wise" spake Jesus, "Yet already I have consumed that second packet first, being as it was last"

"But, Lord" entered Matthew, "If this is the case, could not brother Judas have your Jaffa Cake, since you've already had a whole packet to yourself, you fat fuck?"

"Well, Matthew" replied Jesus, "When you've convinced a rag tag mob of farmers, fishermen and gas station attendants to stop providing for their families and follow a beardy charlatan around in circles for years on end, you can give your Jaffa Cake to whoever the fuck you please."

"But, Lord" began Philip, conscious of the need to maintain the split quotes syntax of the passage, "If Judas has already been selected as the sacrifice, why is it that we must vote to hang him? If God has already decided that Judas is to be hanged, how can we ever have free will?"

"I'm sorry, Philip" said Jesus, "I couldn't hear you over the sound of my halo and all the miracles I was doing and that"

"That's a very good point" interceded James, "If you're the messiah, the anthropomorphisation of the divine Big Dog, couldn't you just magic up some more Jaffa Cakes and also God has run out of apostles he can remember the name of."

"Or find a way to make it so that nobody has to be hanged?" Asked Melanie.

"Yes or he could..." but Barry Chucklebrother's suggestion that would certainly have resolved the situation amicably had God been able to think of it was interrupted by a firey proclamation from an increasingly irate Judas.

"This is fucking bullshit" he announced, rising to his feet. "This is by far the most fucking stupid apocalyptic cult I've ever been in. Screw you guys, I'm going home."

As Judas slammed the door behind him. A silence fell over the twelve.

"Well that's just fucking great" said Jesus, "Now how the fuck are we going to decide which of you shitpicking niglets (not racist, jesus said it) many pieces are there in a fucking toblerone?"

"God damn I be all conveniently falling out of the sky and shit, like, from the machinery of God if Kevin Smith was smart enough to realise the multilayered irony of such an occurance which he probably isn't because it isn't a joke about dicks or other things that come out of your ass."

"The fuck are you?" asked Bartholomew, for God had conveniently remembered the name of another apostle.

"I'm Chris Rock, I'm the 13th apostle here to get my shit all bent out of shape about being left out of the bible"

"But there was a 13th apostle in the bible" said Jesus, "His name was Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, he was substitued for Judas in the 83rd minute and immediately scored a goal every fucking game.

"I don't think the Americans are going to get that reference, Jesus" said Alex Ferguson.

"So? They haven't understood anything else in this cunting book, like the bit about not indiscriminately murdering people and stealing their shit, or where I invented the lightsaber, or how you should always wash the pans up after you use them instead of leaving them to sit until you need them again, so that other people can use them without having to scrape the grotty remnants of what I think is some kind of burnt otter ragu out of them."

"Is this really why God was late starting the game? It took him 27 hours to write this shit?"

"No, he was watching porn and playing xbox, he just threw this together while he was sending the PMs out."

Thirteen players. Two of seer/angel/vig. Three wolves. Anyone who doesn't have a role should PM me.

Changeover at midnight UK time.

Usual rules. Hour long run off in the event of a tied vote, village loses if the tie isn't broken. Have at it.


killcrazy May 14, 2011 2:10am


Axis of Evil


Lvkid hanged day 1
Jokeslayer eaten night 1
Expopcorn hanged day 2
Garso eaten night 2


killcrazy May 14, 2011 2:10am



lvkid123 May 14, 2011 2:26am

present, villager.

TJTay89 May 14, 2011 2:27am

Good story line, now let me fuck it up... Timothy, the shittiest villager in the bible reporting for service my Lord.

Garso May 14, 2011 2:29am

Present, villager.


Originally Posted by TJTay89 (Post 963066)
Good story line, now let me fuck it up... Timothy, the shittiest villager in the bible reporting for service my Lord.

Are u really a wolf this time?

TJTay89 May 14, 2011 2:43am


Originally Posted by Garso (Post 963067)
Present, villager.

Are u really a wolf this time?

Yes, damn you read me too well.

Boilermaker May 14, 2011 3:06am

present, villager.

Snaggle May 14, 2011 3:18am

Yehuda ha T'oma reporting and looking for a hole in my dead brother's hand:wink:

Snaggle May 14, 2011 3:55am

Game plan.

step one: trick my twin brother into pretending to be me, Yehua bar Abba-check

step two: sell "Yehua" to the high priest-check.

step three: wait for the Romans to crucify him-pending.

step four: escape to India with the cult funds and become an investment banker while having fun with these

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