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Old Mar 12, 2011, 9:33pm   #1
killcrazy
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Default Wolfgame 2011.08.04.1997

EXT. A FUCKED UP CITY FULL OF SKELETONS AND SHIT - NIGHT.

VIGILANTE (VO): Three billion human lives ended on August 29th 1997, but according to wikipedia, nobody of consequence was among them. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Signup Thread. They lived only to face a new nightmare, the war against the wolves.

Scenes of apocalyptic carnage, humans fighting machines in the future.

VIGILANTE (VO): Skynet, the computer which controlled the game, sent two terminators back through time. Their mission: to destroy the leader of the human resistance, the seer.

Fighting continues, some explosions explode.

VIGILANTE (VO): The first terminator was programmed to strike at me, in the year 1984, before the seer was born. It failed, but in 1991 Skynet took control of imdb.com and adjusted The Terminator's box office and merchendising statistics, as well as posting hundreds of rumours about a sequel on Rotten Tomatoes.

More standard action movie boilerplate.

VIGILANTE (VO): The second terminator was sent to strike at the seer himself, when he was still a child. As before, the resistance was able to send a lone angel, a protector for the seer. It was just a question of which one of them would reach him first...

Two large bands of interference as the tape is fast forwarded.

nakedarnieappears.everyoneisveryinterestedinhis
crotchwherehepresumablyhasarobotpenisforsome
reason.clothesbootsmotorcycleagentdogbiscuit.
dicklessfosterparentsvigilanteiscrazymoredickless
fosterparents.creditcardfraudmorevigilante
conspicuouslyblackroboticsgeniusinalabfullofwhite
people.morevigilantearcadewolfseerwolfangelseer
angelwolfseerangel.wolfseerwolfseerheyafterburner
irememberthatgamewolfseerwolfangelseerangelseer
angel!

wolf!

Playback continues at normal speed.

ANGEL: Get down!

The angel and wolf engage in a dance competition, no clear winner can be established on account of the building being more or less totalled.


EXT. ALLEY.

SEER: Now, don't take this the wrong way, but you are a terminator, right?

ANGEL: Yes. Cyberdine Systems, Model 101.

SEER: Okay. You're not here to kill me. I figured that part out for myself. So what's the deal?

ANGEL: $5000 up front, $500 per night. Cash. You pay all medical expenses.

SEER: ...Roadhouse?

ANGEL: All terminators are programmed with the movies of Patrick Swayze.

SEER: That explains the faggy dancing.

ANGEL: And the poorly delivered dialogue.

SEER: ...Who sent you?

ANGEL: You did. Thirty years from now you reprogrammed me to be your protector here, in this time.

SEER: Did I happen to reprogram you with a copy of the Terminator 2 script?

ANGEL: Yes.

The angel drops his trousers and squats in the gutter.


EXT. STREET - NIGHT

The seer is leafing through the script.

SEER: It says we're supposed to go to the asylum and rescue the vigilante?

ANGEL: Negative, the wolves will definitely attempt to reacquire you there. There may not even be a vigilante. If the wolves' mission fails, a more expensive wolf will be sent back to take another crack at it in a few years time. From our perspective, time would continue without interruption, but our timeline would become a redundant selfperpetuating loop distinct from the universe we inhabit. Any one of us may or may not exist.

SEER: But if you're successful in your mission, wouldn't that mean that you never existed to be sent back? That you are here is proof that we do not exist.

The angel disappears, then reappears driving an ice cream truck.

SEER: What the fuck just happened?

ANGEL: Another wolf was sent back to eliminate me from this movie while in post production. You rereprogramed me and sent me back to get a job as an assistant coffee and bagels bitch on the set. I smuggled a copy of the movie out and put it on bittorrent.

SEER: Then how...

ANGEL: And then another wolf was sent back to contaminate the bagels with human fecal matter to ensure I would be fired. You reprogrammed me with a basic culinary subroutine and I was able to replace the bagels using my onboard Easy-Bake oven.

SEER: Then how...

ANGEL: But another wolf was sent back to assassinate the president of the Kenner Toy Company to prevent the Easy-Bake oven ever being invented, so I stole an ice cream truck.

SEER: Then how do I remember you disappearing? Wouldn't I either still be in the timeline where you disappeared, or exist in a timeline where you never disappeared?

ANGEL: You are the one.

SEER: ...The Matrix now?

ANGEL: All terminators are programmed with the movies of Keanu Reeves.

SEER: That explains the terrible acting.

ANGEL: And the halfassed Bill and Ted temporal cosmology.


Kc
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Last edited by killcrazy; Mar 13, 2011 at 12:58am.
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