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Old Oct 03, 2012, 12:12am   #1
killcrazy
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Default An Opportunity To Feel Better About Yourselves

Right you bastards.

For some inexplicable reason, my 57 year old mother has got herself talked into zip-lining off the Tyne Bridge in Newcastle to help raise money for the stroke association.

There is no particular goal in mind, but she needs a minimum of £75 ($120) to participate in this mass lemming suicide dive...I imagine that's to weed out the people who do this for fun and weren't peer pressured into it. Anyway, here is the justgiving link:

http://www.justgiving.com/Mary-Thompson1

You can also ship to me on stars/moneybookers/etc, and yes my surname is Thompson, congratulations, you are one step closer to learning my identity.

Pledge £5 or more and I will eat a sandwich while idly browsing the internet.
(Two sandwiches eaten, with another one for later)

Pledge £10 or more and I will remind one of my flatmates that he needs to talk to our landlord about renewing our lease.
(Both flatmates have been nagged into action, for every additional donation of £10 I'll include a line from Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond in my letter to the landlord)
-(i will include the lines "Sweet Caroline (wah wah wah), Good times never seemed so good." in my next letter)

Pledge £25 or more and I will watch a complete episode of a shitty TV talent show of your choice.
(This Saturday I will be watching the X factor in solidarity with Expopcorn)

Pledge £50 or more and I will win the next facile argument you have on the internet for you.

Pledge £100 or more and I will send you a blurry cameraphone picture of my cat playing with her Mr Squirrel toy.

Pledge £200 or more and I will wave down a passing car and yell your name at the driver repeatedly.

Pledge £500 or more and I will submit fraudulent documents proving that the British Royal Family are reptiloids to wikileaks.

Pledge £1000 or more and I will embezzle the money.

Pledge £5000 or more and I will embezzle the money and find out where you live so I can rob you, you rich cunt.

Pledge £25000 or more and I will start an international space program with the goal of crashing a rocket full of tiny monkeys into Virgin Galactic's maiden commercial flight.

Thanks guys,

Kc
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Last edited by killcrazy; Oct 03, 2012 at 10:37pm.
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Old Oct 03, 2012, 1:16am   #2
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If you take Pay Pal PM me and I'll send $10 American

Edit
OK no need, guess i should have just followed the link huh?
They take Pay Pal

Shipped

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Old Oct 03, 2012, 4:15am   #3
killcrazy
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cheers mate.

that's both my flatmates told, which is good because i'd rather not get evicted.

Kc
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Old Oct 03, 2012, 6:04pm   #4
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My step dad and grandfather both had strokes. They suck. I can't imagine having part of my brain dead and not being able to fully function. £10 donation from ptips with love.

Please eat two sandwiches in front of the computer idly. I would recommend a salami and yellow mustard on wheat for one and a saffron chicken and hummus sandwich on potato bread for the other. Or eat whatever sandwich you like, I don't care.

Hopefully this isn't going to the Killcrazy Ferrari fund.

-d
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Old Oct 03, 2012, 7:11pm   #5
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Donated and hungry for cupcakes

also, depressed about strength of american dollar
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Old Oct 03, 2012, 10:04pm   #6
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£35 donated.

For this I expect you not only to watch X-factor this weekend (to share my pain while my kids watch it), but provide your opinion on:

a) the musical talent and ability of each act, and;
b) the expected commercial success of each act (excluding the obligatory winner's first release).

Seriously wish your mum all the best, she's a brave lady.
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it's rather ironic that scenes like this are best accompanied by the eating of popcorn.
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Old Oct 03, 2012, 10:15pm   #7
killcrazy
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you guys are awesome

Kc
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Old Oct 06, 2012, 4:29pm   #8
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When is the big zip line day? Going to post any pics?
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Old Oct 06, 2012, 5:54pm   #9
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When is the big zip line day? Going to post any pics?

Ya I want proof my L 10 is not going to feed your bankroll KC
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Old Oct 07, 2012, 3:01pm   #10
killcrazy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by expopcorn View Post
For this I expect you not only to watch X-factor this weekend (to share my pain while my kids watch it), but provide your opinion on:

a) the musical talent and ability of each act, and;
b) the expected commercial success of each act (excluding the obligatory winner's first release).
okay here we go. watching the repeat today, here are my notes:


christ this lasts 2 hours? jesus

right, musical ability and commercial success...

the commercial success of every act will be the same, one single, two if they're lucky, an album everyone buys their mum at christmas, and then never heard from again.

can i pretend to be will.i.am? or at the very least jessie j?

we can vote for who we want to win before we've heard them sing? that doesn't bode well.

speaking of which, we've been here ten minutes and nobody has done anything yet.

our theme is heroes...songs inspired by our olympic and paralympic athletes...

paralympics...

i would actually vote for someone who did spasticus...


District 3!

i have no idea who these bitches are, but the one that said "i don't think i've heard r&b vocals harmonising like that for a long time" is dead on the money. see, usually, harmonies involve harmony. these young lads have made a bold choice by singing in 3 different keys. each.

i'm glad they were on first, because whoever follows them is going to sound so much better by comparison.

arrangement was bland and disinteresting, performance was bland and disinteresting, the boys themselves were bland and disinteresting. if i was a father and my daughter brought one of these clowns home i wouldn't be remotely concerned on account of their complete lack of genitals.


James Someone!

his voice is as flat as his quiff is ridiculous. i don't know what that wail at the begining was supposed to be but it sounded like the bit in the wizard of oz where the witch melts.


we've been here half an hour and we've had two songs so far...yeah this is good isnt it.


Melanie Masson!

a bit screamy. most of the people we see on these shows with big voices are either screaming or yelling, very few are actually singing. unfortunately i think she's a screamer, but we can let her have another go next week before we write her off completely. ideally something where she isn't being overwhelmed by an orchestra and choir.


Lucy Spraggan!

has played the guitar since she was ten, but apparently doesn't know any chords except E barre, which also renders that capo utterly fucking redundant.

can't sing. knows she can't sing, that's why she didn't even attempt to. that's why she did her own song rather than a cover when even the most tone deaf of listener would realise she can't string two notes together.


MK1! (aka blacks on blondes volume III)

oh whats the name of that thing from the 80s she's pretending to be...fuck fuck fuck this is going to bug the piss out of me.

PIT. CHY. AS. FUCK.

she was horrible at the start...then the song began and it was a lot of nothing really. they look and sound like the kind of thing that happens when a marketing executive learns the word "edge", and possibly "urban". "we need to inject some edge into our urban range of modular furniture".

still can't remember who she reminds me of.


Chris the Scouser!

alright, this cat is trying to sing. i've lost my lighter, bugger. how the hell did it get over there.

yeah this guy was okay. nothing special, and he did slip off key a few times, but given the standard of the competition so far he's decent.


Union J!

when you look like a job lot of faggots, don't give yourself a name that can so easily be corrupted into union gay. did that kid just say they'd all got facials? fish in a fucking barrel.

queen? really? queen? this will be hilarious.

who dressed these dancers? they look like kays catalogue's summer collection exploded all over them.

...well, of the three we heard sing, none of them can. not sure what the 4th one was there for. symmetry maybe. or perhaps they thought of another stupid haircut and ran out of heads.


Jade Ellis!

you know how you used to be able to get those records to calibrate your hi fi? she sounds like one of those. specifically track 37: uninspiring girl with a sinus infection tries not to sneeze.


Rylan Clark!

ah, I see we have gone with the community theare production of joseph and the amazing technicolour dreamcoat theme.

pitchy. pitchy and bland. ignored half the notes that are supposed to be in the song. just shite.

the only good thing about this was gary barlow laying the smack down on the talentless people around him. these judges have 12 UK number 1s between them and he has 11 of them.


Kye Sones!

is there a single person on this show who's managed to get through the first line in tune yet?

i suppose this is another one to put in the "you wouldn't bottle him off stage at a karaoke night but by no means good" bucket.


i don't remember the x factor being this bad.


Ella Henderson

she's all over the place on the big notes. i don't think she's even trying to produce notes. bizarrely she has the most potential of anyone we've heard so far. she has a big voice, just no idea how to control it.


Carolynne Poole

the timbre of her voice is horrible and she seems to be out of time let alone out of tune. i'm running out of insults to be honest. this whole show is a fucking disaster.


Jahmene Douglas

okay well at the very least he doesn't look like a tit.

winner. i hate what he did with the song, but he did what he did well. strong voice, only criticism would be the falsetto which he didn't quite have control of, and i'm not sure about his vibrato, but in comparison to this shower of hopeless fucks, clear winner.


there. condolences expop, i recommend taking up snooker so you have an excuse to get out of the house next saturday.

Kc
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