Confucius Says

THE WEEKLY SHUFFLE, 2008-11-16, by TwoGun, Ozone

Poker Player: My goal in life is to win a World Series of Poker bracelet.

Confucius: Your goal in life should be to make a lot of money and have sex with a wide variety of women.



Poker Player: Man I wish someone other than Peter Eastgate had won. I don't think he'll be that good for poker; he's too statuesque and from a small country.

Confucius: Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah. Also, watch what you say about Eastgate. He might slap you upside the head with a brick of money which was one of my signature moves back in the day.



Poker Player: I got my picture taken with Phil Hellmuth!

Confucius: Oooh... look at you. Did he have any words of wisdom for you? Huh? Huh? Did he? ... That's what I thought!



Poker Player: I can't believe I spent $1000 on that prostitute last night.

Confucius: There ain't no p*ssy like new p*ssy.



Poker Player: I won a satellite into a $10,000 tournament and cashed for $150,000 in it! I think I'm going to try to parlay this into a career as a professional poker player by playing a bunch of $10k-$25k events now! Maybe I'll even stake a friend or two!

Confucius: Slow down there, young lad. Confucius says... DIVERSIFY! And you know that's good advice because I'm motherf***in Confucius!

Poker Player: Hmm... do you think I should invest in All-In Energy Drink?

Confucius: Confucius does not believe in energy drink speculation. Cafeteria speculation maybe, energy drink no.



Poker Player: I'm working hard on my game to try to get a sponsorship deal with PokerStars. I heard some of those guys get paid six-figures a month!

Confucius: Name must started or end with "greanu" to make that much.



Poker Player: Everyone be sure to send an email to Obama telling him to overturn the UIGEA when he gets into office! I think he might listen to us because he's really hip and cool!

Confucius: Let's see... Obama can spend his time trying to prevent a global economic depression or weigh whether or not to overturn a relatively unknown and uncontroversial law that effects very few people. I don't wanna say, "you don't matter." I'm not gonna say that. Confucius ain't sayin' that.

The Weekly Shuffle is our Sunday column with our observations and commentary on the poker world. Have an idea for an article? Leave a suggestion on the feedback page.