Interview: Bill Fillmaff
THE WEEKLY SHUFFLE, 2006-10-01, by OzoneAccording to his website, Bill Fillmaff is, in no uncertain terms, indisputably the best all-around poker player who will ever play on Earth . He recently completed a series of instructional videos that are available on DVD titled "Bill Fillmaff's Secret System". We're honored that Mr. Fillmaff was able to free up a few minutes in his busy schedule to answer a few questions for us:
Who is Bill Fillmaff, and what does the world need to know about him before reading this interview?
First of all the world already knows Bill Fillmaff. Bill Fillmaff am a Worldwide Poker Champion and a skilled rapper/MC/DJ. Millions of people love Bill Fillmaff and my videos and my raps. Bill Fillmaff's website is at http://www.billfillmaff.com, and it's the 2nd most-visited website in the world. Bill Fillmaff has made virtually millions of virtual from playing poker and is so rich that he can afford to buy entire families of people and use them as living furniture in his mansion. Bill Fillmaff is the author of "Bill Fillmaff's Secret System: A Course in Perfect Poker," the only instructional Poker DVD video on the market.
Who are the best three poker players in the world?
Bill Fillmaff is the best poker player in the history of the world. Undisputed. All the other players don't really know what they're doing and have no concept of how to play poker the right way, the perfect way, and also they're all losers. So why bother mentioning any people who aren't as important as Bill Fillmaff?
Some claim that you've been with women from all over the world. Is that true? If so, what's your secret?
Of course that's true, have you ever seen a woman that wasn't in .GIF or .JPG format you miserable little nerd? Bill Fillmaff fills the gutshots of so many women in 3D-reality that even my amazing memory can't keep track of all of them. Bill Fillmaff does have a "Secret
System" for getting women, and I'm going to give you a few tips because I can smell your desperation through my computer screen: never do what you say you're going to do. Women don't respect a "man of their word." Also women don't want someone who is reliable and moral, they just want someone to smother them with attention before smothering them with buckets of Father's milk. Also compliment them on their hair.
Is it true you didn't participate in the World Series of Poker Main Event this year?
Bill Fillmaff ran into some bankroll irregularities. Also Bill Fillmaff hasn't played at the WSOP in years because of all the cheating. For example did you hear about that chip color-up mishap in the main event? A perfect example of how the tournament is rigged. Bill Fillmaff was at the WSOP though to sign autographs for fans and to let people know how much better he is than them. And Bill Fillmaff was accused of "disrupting" the main event when I accused the entire field of playing poker incorrectly during a radio interview, but what can Bill Fillmaff say? The truth hurts, bitch.
What do you enjoy doing away from the felt?
Your sister! Ahahaha Bill Fillmaff... yeah I "felt" her while "enjoy doing" ahahhahaa. Also Bill Fillmaff plays tennis.
Where do you like to play poker online, and why?
Online poker is filled with dorks who used to play Magic Star War Crafts or something. Since Bill Fillmaff doesn't live in a basement I try not to play online, but there is some video of me owning a bunch of Internet ostriches. Besides online poker is too low-stakes, you can't make money playing 200/400 limit WHORE (Whist, Hold'em, Omaha, Razz, Eight-or-better Stud mixed games).
How have the craps tables been treating you?
Bill Fillmaff doesn't play craps because it's not +EV. The only thing I've done on a craps table is three cocktail waitresses at the same time and you can guess what I used the dice stick for.
There's been a lot of talk in the American Congress about possibly passing legislation against online gambling. What's that all about?
Hahaha yeah right, illegalize online gambling? Bill Fillmaff don't think so. What's next, is the government going to make it so you have to pay taxes on virtual money? I'd like to see how they do that considering there's no paper or metal involved!
Do you have any celebrity friends? Care to do some name-dropping?
I prefer to drop other things into my celebrity friends, you fame-hungry scumbag.
Someone said they saw you riding the public transit bus the other day. Is that true? Do you own a car?
Someone said they [saw] you riding a pubic transvestite man train the other day, is that true? And of course Bill Fillmaff owns several cars and I'm a faster racer than Vin Diesel.
I was having a hard time finding the results from the 1998 Worldwide Poker League Championship, what's up with that?
You're obviously incompetent. Your interview questions are horrible and the only reason Bill Fillmaff is answering them is because Bill Fillmaff is getting paid over 60K just to talk to your starstruck cracker ass.
Where do you like to stay when visiting Las Vegas?
The pride of Las Vegas: Luxor.
Do you have enemies in the poker world?
No, everyone loves Bill Fillmaff. Most literally.
You just completed your instructional DVD series. What's next on the horizon for Bill Fillmaff?
What is left for Bill Fillmaff to accomplish? The answer is, "nothing." Bill Fillmaff has proved time and time again that he's the undisputed best poker player ever and there's absolutely nothing left for me to prove because everybody knows what Bill Fillmaff has always
known: that Bill Fillmaff is the best. My DVD is so amazing and educational that there's no need for any more poker books to be published, so they might as well burn all the remaining unsold copies like Hitler did.
Your website is hosted by Planet Stacked, the online community for Daniel Negreanu's video game "Stacked", what's that about?
Yeah Danny Boy Negreeno has this video poker game or some nonsense...you play it on TV's? Bill Fillmaff doesn't know about video games...you guys can go fiddle with your joysticks while I bust seniors out of their retirement money at the poker table.
What do you think of this Jamie Gold?
Never heard of him, that name sounds fake... but let me tell you a little story about Bill Fillmaff's early years: it was 2001, Bill Fillmaff was playing 3/6 no-limit hold'em and I was arguing with some Canuck about how they should say "twenty oh one" instead of "two-thousand one," when I get dealt the 9s3c. I raise and say, "let's see if you consider this one bacon, you loon-spending centimeter." This is called "needles." Anyways after I needles him he re-raises, so I call. The flop is 8c 9d Ah. I ask the dealer if I can take a free card out of the muck, and she says no. So I get mad and tell this Canuck c**t that his hand is dead because the dealer doesn't know that this is a half-pineapple game, where the game turns into reverse-pineapple if you win two pots in a row. I hate half-kill games and also full-kill games, in full-kill games if someone wins two hands in a row the game turns from hold'em into NL Omaha. Anyways Bill Fillmaff was trying to be nice, so I tell the Mountie to give $50 and a kiss [to] my championship pearl necklace and we'll call it even. The dealer says that I have to make a bet, so I check. Canuck checks behind. The river is the 2h. Bill Fillmaff decides to get tricky and I bet $30. The northeastern nerd calls. River is a complete blank, the Qh. So Bill Fillmaff kicks his chair over and screams for a table change and a new setup. Bill Fillmaff finished the night about even.
There are rumors that a female poker player cleaned you out in a backroom game last winter. Comments?
Oh she got cleaned out alright.
Is there any reason we haven't seen you on ESPN or the Travel Channel?
Because ESPN knows that once Bill Fillmaff is on their network all of the sudden they'll have 20 million extra women watching ESPN. And they'll all have hairbrush-handles at the ready, on the off-chance they do an interview with me with my shirt off. ESPN doesn't want that because if too many women watch ESPN, it'll totally mess up their male-dominated demographic and make it harder for them to sell advertising.
However ESPN knows they can't ignore Bill Fillmaff forever, so this year they hired a Bill Fillmaff impersonator named Brydon Micron to be on the show. Here is photographic proof:
Hmm, Bill Fillmaff wonders where they got the idea for that character? Since you're stupid I'll just tell you: they're trying to capitalize off the raging success of Bill Fillmaff, so they hired a look-alike. Pathetic.
What has been the greatest achievement you've reached in your life?
What do you say to the next Bill Fillmaff wannabe reading this interview?
There's only one Bill Fillmaff and he can never be imitated or imposterated or made fun of.
The Weekly Shuffle is our Sunday column with our observations and commentary on the poker world. Have an idea for an article? Leave a suggestion on the feedback page.
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