Poker Player: My goal in life is to win a World Series of Poker bracelet.
Confucius: Your goal in life should be to make a lot of money and have sex with a wide variety of women.
Poker Player: Man I wish someone other than Peter Eastgate had won. I don't think he'll be that good for poker; he's too statuesque and from a small country.
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Confucius: Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah. Also, watch what you say about Eastgate. He might slap you upside the head with a brick of money which was one of my signature moves back in the day.
Poker Player: I got my picture taken with Phil Hellmuth!
Confucius: Oooh... look at you. Did he have any words of wisdom for you? Huh? Huh? Did he? ... That's what I thought!
Poker Player: I can't believe I spent $1000 on that prostitute last night.
Confucius: There ain't no p*ssy like new p*ssy.
Poker Player: I won a satellite into a $10,000 tournament and cashed for $150,000 in it! I think I'm going to try to parlay this into a career as a professional poker player by playing a bunch of $10k-$25k events now! Maybe I'll even stake a friend or two!
Confucius: Slow down there, young lad. Confucius says... DIVERSIFY! And you know that's good advice because I'm motherf***in Confucius!
Poker Player: Hmm... do you think I should invest in All-In Energy Drink?
Confucius: Confucius does not believe in energy drink speculation. Cafeteria speculation maybe, energy drink no.
Poker Player: I'm working hard on my game to try to get a sponsorship deal with PokerStars. I heard some of those guys get paid six-figures a month!
Confucius: Name must started or end with "greanu" to make that much.
Poker Player: Everyone be sure to send an email to Obama telling him to overturn the UIGEA when he gets into office! I think he might listen to us because he's really hip and cool!
Confucius: Let's see... Obama can spend his time trying to prevent a global economic depression or weigh whether or not to overturn a relatively unknown and uncontroversial law that effects very few people. I don't wanna say, "you don't matter." I'm not gonna say that. Confucius ain't sayin' that.