Wisdom for the New Year from Confucius

THE WEEKLY SHUFFLE, 2009-01-04, by Ozone, TwoGun

Everyone's favorite Chinese philosopher, Confucius, dropped us a line this week to impart some wisdom for the new year. Our first impulse was to edit some of Confucius' racier comments, but we decided that perhaps ancient Chinese wisdom is best left unaltered. Without further ado, here is the complete unedited version of the message we received this week from Confucius:

Poker Player: Happy New Year, Confucius!

Confucius: Confucius does not recognize the false Gregorian calendar. New Year begins January 26th.


Poker Player: Oh, anyways, Confucius, since Obama is president and is probably going to overturn the UIGEA, I feel like it's time I get ahead of the train and focus on becoming a pro poker player since the games are going to get a lot softer and depositing will be easier.

Confucius: After comments like these, Confucius often makes joke about what you are smoking and if he could have some. But Confucius knows you don't have anything decent to smoke, just like you haven't had a decent woman to love. Confucius just prays for your pathetic soul.


Poker Player: What is your stance on -EV propositions like craps and sports betting?

Confucius: When Confucius partakes in those activities, they cease to be negative expectation. My wisdom extends to the physical realm of dice control. I recommend you mere mortals play the aforementioned games responsibly. However, I'd be a liar if I told you there wasn't more than one occasion where I bet my whole bankroll on a game of Othello back in the day.


Poker Player: Confucius, do you recommend swapping action with your buddies in tournaments? If so, how much?

Confucius: Yes, I recommend swapping, but it's not the type of swapping you've brought up. One day when you're older you'll understand what I mean.


Poker Player: Do you subscribe to poker magazines like All-In, Bluff, or Cardplayer?

Confucius: Yes, Confucius enjoys monthly reading about the importance of pot odds and the latest 24 year-old that spends all day and night playing multi-table tournaments. Confucius canceled his subscriptions to Hustler and Modern Bride since Confucius believes man should limit the amount of trees they cut down for reading purposes.


Poker Player: What is the key to having a three-way?

Confucius: You see, young squire, it's about the girls. A much younger, dumber Confucius did not realize this. That Confucius did not have three ways. The old, wise Confucius you know and love learned that the key to having a three-way is to keep the focus on the girls. Give them a safe, comfortable environment to explore their bisexual curiosities while using your manhood to provide a healthy sexual balance. It's not about them pleasuring you, it's about you guiding them on how to pleasure each other. More on this topic will be discussed in my upcoming eBook, Confucius Tells All: Universal Wisdom on Getting Chicks and Money.

The Weekly Shuffle is our Sunday column with our observations and commentary on the poker world. Have an idea for an article? Leave a suggestion on the feedback page.