An Evening in Vegas with Colt Wesson

THE WEEKLY SHUFFLE, 2009-05-31, by Ozone

On a recent trip to Vegas, I ran into my friend Colt Wesson at the cashier's cage at Casino Royale. He was processing a POS debit transaction after losing all of his cash at the craps table. This would not be Colt's first time joining the Black Thumb Club.

I asked Colt why he was gambling more today than usual. One thing about Colt is that he is not at all superstitious and has an understanding of EV concepts regarding casino games about as well as anyone. He explained to me that while it may sound stupid, his one superstition at the craps table is that when everyone is betting 'Don't Pass' during his roll, he's able to hit points in a Kobe Bryant-esque manner of clutchness. He explained that this isn't because he's good at craps, it's because he's good at disappointing others.

Sure enough, he went on to hit four points which got him slightly into the black. I asked him if he was going to use his winnings to finance an encounter with a lady of the night.

Colt responded, "No. Ever since my ex-girlfriend and I had three-ways with half of the prostitutes back home, I've grown accustomed to copulating with two girls at once despite only paying for one of them. Now that she's out the picture, having a three-way would mean I have to pay for two girls. I can't be doing that during a recession and all. And the idea of having sex with just one girl, no less paying for sex with one girl, sounds very... Beginner's Forum, don't you think?"

I remembered that Colt is a notorious hypochondriac, so I asked him, "doesn't the thought of having sex with two girls at once, especially when, not to split hairs or anything, one of them is a hooker, worry you on the STD-front?"

"Ozone, worrying about STDs is so 2005."

I decided against encouraging a rant on the issue and nearly changed the subject by suggesting that he try bargaining with hookers to get a two for one deal, but then I remembered that Colt is very bad at price haggling. Ever since he grossly overpaid for a Cartier watch as a birthday present to himself three years ago, he's had very little confidence in that department. I notice he shivers when passing by a jewelry store to this very day.

Given that the night was still young, I asked Colt if he wanted to join me at a nightclub somewhere. He said it sounded interesting, but that he hadn't figured out where all of the half-white, half-Hispanic, hot, bi-sexual, somewhat trashy young single mothers with multiple tattoos like to hang out in Vegas.

"I bat .750 with those bitches," Colt informed me. That's nice, I thought to myself. I knew there was only one place we could go to meet those type of women in hoards: the Christian Audigier Nightclub at T.I.

"I don't know if that place will let me in wearing a polo shirt, linen shorts, and sandals," Colt replied. "I'll suppose I'll meet them halfway and wear a nice shirt with blue jeans, but the flip-flops stay."

At the club, the bouncer wouldn't allow Colt's entry on account of the sandals. This triggered Colt into a profanity-laced tirade highlighted with commentary on how the recession affects the nightclub industry, I realized I learned something new that night about his endlessly eccentric personality: he doesn't put on shoes for anyone, even trashy half-Hispanic girls with back tattoos.

The Weekly Shuffle is our Sunday column with our observations and commentary on the poker world. Have an idea for an article? Leave a suggestion on the feedback page.