Colt Wesson Encounters Nate McNiterson
THE WEEKLY SHUFFLE, 2009-06-28, by Ozone, TwoGunOn a recent night in Vegas, Colt Wesson decided to treat himself to a celebratory steak dinner after successfully copulating with a trashy half-Hispanic, half-white stripper named Delilah. Colt likes his steaks like he likes his women: cheap with a little fat on them. With that in mind, Colt ventured to Ellis Island, home of a tasty $5.99 steak and potato dinner. It was at this establishment where Colt encountered one Nate McNiterson, a man who was there for an entirely different reason, that being to enjoy a cost-effective meal.
"Strippers, man... gotta love 'em," quipped Colt while the two waited for the seventeen year old hostess to stop flirting with the bartender and perform her minimum wage tasks.
Nate laughed nervously and said, "I hear those women are all just con artists good at taking mens' money."
"What? No! That's complete BS! You don't have much stripper experience, do you?"
Nate conceded, "well I've got better things to spend my money on than strippers."
"Oh? Like what? A gurrrrrlfriend or something? I mean, I could understand if you have like three girlfriends and can't really afford to be buying strippers drinks, but if we're talking about some wife that's gained 20-30 pounds since you got married and won't even let you have an occasional three way... then you, my friend, are getting bad value and don't even realize it!"
Nate stood there temporarily paralyzed with confusion and a loss for words. The hostess made her way back to the podium, looked at Nate and Colt and asked if they were together. Before Nate could say otherwise, Colt interrupted, "yea... a booth please."
Colt extended his hand to Nate and introduced himself, "I'm Colt Wesson... dot com."
"You see, Nate," Colt explained while staring at the hostess's ass as they made their way to a booth, "women, like poker, are all about value and game selection."
Nate became intrigued. If there is one thing that catches Nate McNiterson's attention, it's a discussion on value.
Colt continued, "take my ex-girlfriend for example. She wasn't a stripper, which made it easier to pick up a stripper for a three-way. You see, Nate, strippers are haters, and I don't want you to become a hater like them. Even though most strippers are bisexual, for some reason, they never want to have a three-way with another stripper, at least not one from the same club they work at. They're haters like that. Understand?"
Nate nodded vaguely. He was still mostly in a state of confusion about this anything-but-typical Ellis Island experience. The hostess gave Colt a horrified look regarding what she had just overheard.
Noticing this, Colt said to the young, impressionable hostess, "don't worry, girl. You just need a guy to pull your hair and you'll be alright." He considered offering to give her a little tug right then and there but thought better of it since her hair was in a bun.
As the two took their seats, Colt continued, "there's this stupid myth out there that strippers are all money-grubbing whores. While that's true for some of them, the majority of them are just lazy single-Moms. You see Nate, if they were to be conniving money-grubbers, that would imply that they're actually competent. These girls aren't competent. If you've got a little game, they can actually be pretty good value. You just gotta be able to deal with stripper variance."
"Stripper variance?" Nate inquired.
"Yea. Stripper variance. You see Nate, another commonality between strippers and poker is that you have to be able to deal with a lot of swings. Sometimes you run hot with the strippers and have two or even three different girls clawing to go home with you at the end of the night... like yesterday. Other times you spend two hours talking to some template stripper who doesn't even understand that you're trying to nail her... like the day before yesterday."
"What do you mean by template stripper?" asked Nate, ever the more intrigued by this restaurant stranger.
"A template stripper is a stripper with no personality. Her personality is literally a blank template. So basically she's too clueless to do just about anything."
"Oh I see, so it's kind of like trying to bluff a calling station?"
"YES! EXACTLY!" responded Colt, excited that his new found protege was catching on. "In both cases, you're just wasting money."
"So what's the key to getting with a stripper? I always thought they were pretty much untouchable." Nate inquired.
"Yea that's what most squares think. You see, strippers are used to square guys who gawk at their existence. But they don't like that. Strippers don't like praise. They want guys who will pull their hair and smack their ass. Just like your flush draw wants another heart. So the key is to poke fun at them and make sure that they know you're 'the Man'."
Nate chimed up, "I'm not quite sure I follow. I guess I need to see it first-hand in order to understand what you mean."
Colt said, "and see it, you shall. How about we finish up these steaks and I'll go give you a little first hand lesson on Stripper Game. Tell ya what, I'll even pay for your cover."
"I'M IN!!" said Nate excitedly.
The Weekly Shuffle is our Sunday column with our observations and commentary on the poker world. Have an idea for an article? Leave a suggestion on the feedback page.
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