Top Five Poker News Stories from 2009 that Never Happened
THE WEEKLY SHUFFLE, 2009-12-27, by OzoneLast year was a fairly uneventful year for the poker world, so we spiced things up in our year-end recap by writing about the five biggest news stories in poker in 2008 that never happened. Well, 2009 was fairly uneventful too. Sure, a 21 year old won the WSOP and UIGEA enforcement date got pushed back six months, but beyond that, there wasn't really a ton of interesting news to speak of. So, with that in mind, we bring you the second annual top five poker news stories from the year that never happened!
#1: Obama Overturns the UIGEA; Approval Rating Tops 70%
As many in the poker world expected to happen, one of Barack Obama's first order of business after taking the oath of office was to overturn the Unlawful Internet Gaming Enforcement Act (UIGEA). "This was a big priority for me throughout my campaign," Obama told a group of supporters in Las Vegas in March, "with this law off the books, law-abiding companies like Party Poker will be able to resume doing business with Americans. Business is very important to me and overturning the UIGEA is just one way I am making this clear."
After signing into law the bill which made the UIGEA void, Obama saw his approval rating increase from 66% to 71%. "This is why I voted for him," poker legend Doyle Brunson told PokerTips, "he said he was a poker player, I took him at his word, and he came through for the game we all play and love."
It seems Obama championed this bill at least partially for personal reasons. Since the UIGEA was overturned, he has regularly been seen at the micro-stakes tables on his favorite online poker room, Titan Poker, under the screenname "imtheprezbitch". Online poker results tracking software indicates Obama has been beating the $0.05/$0.10 limit games for 4 big bets per 100 hands. Not too shabby!
#2: Phil Ivey Wins the WSOP Main Event
Although he arrived to the final table of the 2009 WSOP Main Event with just 5% of the chips in play, sports-bettors pushed the line on Phil Ivey to win the tournament all the way to -135 prior to the start of the final table. "Even at -135, it was a stone-cold lock," a professional sports-bettor who wished to remain anonymous told us in a November interview. The gambler went on to say, "there's just some things you know you can count on. The Lakers will win the NBA Finals. Manchester United will win the Champion's League Final, and Phil Ivey will win the WSOP Main Event. It was free money. Those other players didn't stand a chance."
Another successful sports-bettor told the media, "the 'always bet on black' theory isn't just for roulette. It's for poker too. I'm buying a house in the South of France this year as a result of this understanding."
After his win, Ivey celebrated by buying 438 bottles of Dom Perignon for friends and family and played the "double or nothing" game with his newfound $8.5 million at the craps table. Shortly after polishing off his fourth bottle of Dom single-handedly, Ivey crossed the $17 million mark at the craps table to the roar of his fans. The winning roll came when Ivey bet his last $575,000 on snake-eyes and hit the 30:1 proposition when one of the Rio cocktail waitresses rolled a deuce on her first ever dice roll. Weeks later, this waitress again found herself in the media when her secret three year relationship with Tiger Woods leaked to the public.
#3: Phil Hellmuth Takes a Vow of Silence
In news that shocked the poker world, Phil Hellmuth told the media in a May press conference that he would take a vow of silence set to last a minimum of one year. This came on the eve of event #1 of the 40th WSOP. In what were some of the final words the world has heard Hellmuth speak, he told the media, "I'm re-inventing myself, baby. You won't hear from me for at least a year. You'll see me, but you won't hear from me."
In event #17 of the WSOP, a young online player clucked like a chicken while dancing circles around Hellmuth after hitting a two-outter to dash the pro's hopes of a 12th career bracelet. Shockingly, Hellmuth walked calmly out of the Rio with a tranquil smile on his face not unlike that of an enlightened monk.
The poker world eagerly awaits Hellmuth's appearance at the 2010 WSOP to learn if the pro's vow of silence will continue or if another chapter in his storied personality will be unveiled.
#4: Online Pro Gets Laid
Top online multi-table tournament pro "stevegreed" shocked his peers in September when he provided conclusive proof on a leading poker strategy forum that he had indeed gotten laid. "It was so wet and warm and crazy! It was nuts you guys! It happened so fast I hardly remember it... it was like a blur. First she touched my thigh and next thing I know everything was moist and slippery and when I finally came to it was all over!"
Fortunately, "stevegreed" maintains the strictest security measures in his Online Poker Den. A security camera in the corner of the room caught the entire event on tape. The 0:34 second tape was a YouTube sensation before it was removed by site administrators. In honor of his conquest, many of stevegreed's peers changed their avatars to depict his likeness. A popular online bookmaker has set the over/under at March 2017 as the date that the next time an online poker pro will find himself copulating with a woman. Early action has driven the over to a 2:1 favorite.
#5: shaundeeb Quits Online Poker Tournaments
After more than three years of playing online multi-table tournaments at a volume that vastly exceeded his nearest competitor, Shaun Deeb said "enough is enough". The young online poker pro noted for his ability to play as many as 40 tournaments simultaneously announced to the poker world that he is retiring from poker tournaments. "I hate what I've become," Deeb, who gained fame for averaging more than 50 MTTs per day, told fans on a poker forum. Since this November confessional, Deeb has failed to be spotted in an online MTT making some think his hiatus is not just temporary. In just three years, Deeb played countless more multi-table tournaments than most well-seasoned pros had ever or will ever play in their lifetime. Like they say, everyone has their breaking point.
Oh wait, this actually happened!
The Weekly Shuffle is our Sunday column with our observations and commentary on the poker world. Have an idea for an article? Leave a suggestion on the feedback page.
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