How to Spot a Square in Vegas

THE WEEKLY SHUFFLE, 2010-06-20, by Ozone, TwoGun

This week, we present a helpful guide on identifying a square on your next trip to Las Vegas. These tell-tale signs are infallible; if any person says or does any of these things in Vegas, you can be sure they are a square.

If they attend a "how to play craps" seminar.

If they gawk at or take a picture of the painted ceiling inside Venetian.

If they say "I heard the slot machines in the airport pay [better/worse]".

If they walk around with a flavored margarita in a tall, plastic container.

If they play the Ultimate Texas Hold'em table games because they want to play poker like they see on TV.

If they take insurance while playing blackjack since "it's a good hedge."

If they ever say "Texas Hold'em".

If they wait more than ten minutes to catch a Fountains at Bellagio show.

If they say, "I'll bet this is just like the real [Paris/New York]"

If they say, "okay, I set aside x and if I lose more than that, I'm done," when x is less than $500.

If they say, "this machine seems to payout better than the other ones."

If they say, "I don't play slot machines. I don't know how to find the good ones. Your aunt/mother, on the other hand, is a smart woman and can find the good ones."

If they see a sign for 96% payback video poker and think it's actually a good deal.

If they say, "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

If they have a 'to-do list' when going to Vegas, and that list isn't just comprised of female names.

If before playing a table game, they ask people at the table if the table is hot or not and then base their decision to play on the answer.

If they insist on visiting and taking a picture with the iconic "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign.

If they refer to Luxor as "the pyramid" or Stratosphere as "the needle".

If they wait for the tram to go from Mirage to Treasure Island or visa-versa.

If they establish a "meeting point" or an itinerary.

If they go to multiple Cirque du Soleil show (some argue that one is enough).

If they take their kids with them.

Five words: pirate show outside Treasure Island.

If they don't realize that the girl making eye contact with them is a hooker.

The Weekly Shuffle is our Sunday column with our observations and commentary on the poker world. Have an idea for an article? Leave a suggestion on the feedback page.