The 5 Most Annoying People in Poker
THE WEEKLY SHUFFLE, 2010-11-21, by OzoneThis week, we present The Most Annoying People in Poker. Anyone who has spent a significant time in and around the game has surely encountered some of these characters and probably left wishing they hadn't.
#1: Superstitious Dealer
Usually a female, Superstitious Dealer is usually a woman who believes she in some way influences the cards. She will slow down the game to say things like, "I busted Negreanu earlier; gave him Ace-King into Aces; I sure to have a knack for knocking out the pros," or, "that's three flops this hour I've dealt two fours on the flop. My daughter was born on the 4th. She's definitely up to something right now." What makes Superstitious Dealer particularly frustrating is that she is often very nice and very well-liked by the equally-retarded people in the room which means your hands are tied when it comes to saying anything meant to encourage her to talk less and deal more.
#2: Smelly Online Grinder
Smelly Online Grinder is one of the easiest people to spot in a poker room. He will be young, 20-40 pounds overweight, and wearing some type of a cotton sweatshirt or hoodie. Spend a few minutes around Smelly Online Grinder and a few things become apparent pretty quickly: he is unaccustomed to the ways of personal hygiene or carrying on a conversation with someone that has nothing to do with poker. You see, Smelly Online Grinder doesn't have time for things like shaving or developing a well-rounded lifestyle. He has figured out a way to make $16/hour playing poker on the Internet, and when you can do that, things like showering and shaving simply cannot be justified on anything more than a weekly basis. As for exercising? Forget about it. Smelly Online Grinder hasn't seen the inside of a gym since before the first time he felt the rush of being dealt pocket Aces. This is evident by his scrawny upper body and plump mid-section. Smelly Online Grinder often travels in a pack with other Smelly Online Grinders. It is usually recommended to remain at least 10 feet away from any of these packs for fear of having cigarette smoke stick to your clothes.
#3: Overwhelmed Floor Man
Overwhelmed Floor Man is easy to spot. He's the guy running around in a suit with a frazzled look on his face because the constraints of his job are just too much to handle. Overwhelmed Floor Man is particularly bad at understanding disputes at a table. He will make a snap judgement only to have to have the situation explained to him again so he can better understand why his judgement is unfair. This explanation process usually takes 3-4 times before Overwhelmed Floor Man finally understands the complexity of the dispute at hand. Once he finally understands it, he will usually stand there with a confused look on his face for 5-7 seconds before making a judgement that is only sometimes in line with what he probably should have decided upon.
#4: Wannabe Table Captain
Wannabe Table Captain is a dedicated player who has seen every episode of the World Poker Tour. As such, he believes he is a very accomplished player and seeks that others recognize this despite the fact that he is just a marginal winner. Wannabe Table Captain will often be wearing online poker merchandise he obtained by trading in the 1,300 Frequent Player Points that took him three months to earn. His hope is that by wearing this merchandise, others in the poker room will mistake him for an accomplished pro. In actuality, he is just an unpaid shill for a company that couldn't care less about him. In an effort to establish his role as table captain, Wannabe Table Captain will often recap what just happened on the hand that everyone just saw by interjecting his opinion and pointing out where he feels any mistakes were made. Wannabe Table Captain, in addition to Overly Excited n00b, are the primary reason why Smelly Online Grinder plays while listening to headphones.
#5: Mr. "Damn, I Folded The Nuts"
Mr. "Damn, I Folded The Nuts'" calling card is turning to you to whisper, "damn, I folded [insert hand that is not quite the nuts that he is acting like is the nuts anyway here]." For example, when a flop comes out 876, he will turn to you to mutter, "damn, I folded 54," and then proceed to shake his head in a way that implies he believes he would be doubling his stack effortlessly had he remained in the hand. The best way to counter Mr. "Damn, I Folded The Nuts" is to always one-up him. When he claims to have folded the actual nuts, respond, "yea, me too." When he claims to have responded the second or third nuts, counter by saying, "I folded [whatever hand is actually better than his]." This is an especially useful tactic when he claims to have folded a set. Respond and say, in all seriousness, that you folded the same set. This should buy you a good 10-15 seconds of silence as he sits in deep contemplation trying to figure out how that is possible.
Bonus Annoying People!
There are two things annoying about Deliberate Grandpa. First, he takes forever to make decisions. Since he is retired, he's in no hurry to go anywhere and prefers to take his time on any decision that is not immediately obvious. Second, he is playing with your money. Deliberate Grandpa's bankroll consists mostly of the monthly Social Security checks he receives. If you are under 35, this is effectively your money since you'll never be seeing a dime of the Social Security money you've paid when you're his age. Indeed, outplaying him is your one chance to get back some of what you've paid in to the generational ponzi scheme.
Wide-Eyed Female n00b
Wide-Eyed Female n00b is new to the game and damn proud to be sitting with the boys. She believes her gender and charm give her an advantage at the table and does not realize she is actually downright horrible at the game. She experiences extreme emotional swings at the table; when she wins a big pot, she is about as excited as most men would be after being asked to participate in a threesome with two models. When she loses, she goes into a deep depression and puts on a sad-puppy routine in hopes of drawing pity out of the men she previously believed she was outclassing.
Overly Excitable Black Guy That Spikes a 3-Outter
Overly Excitable Black Guy That Spikes a 3-Outter is one of the most annoying people in any poker room. He will hit his card for six-figures in equity and then gloat about how good he is and how much he deserved the card. If you are unfortunate enough to encounter Overly Excitable Black Guy That Spikes a 3-Outter, you can expect to wake up in cold sweats while hearing him scream, "YES!!!" for years following the incident. Therapy may or may not help with this.
The Weekly Shuffle is our Sunday column with our observations and commentary on the poker world. Have an idea for an article? Leave a suggestion on the feedback page.
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