Five Things the Poker World Needs
THE WEEKLY SHUFFLE, 2011-10-23, by Ozone, TwoGunOne could probably come up with a list of a hundred or even a thousand things the poker world needs, but we're going to focus on just five things this week.
1. A Governing Body
Poker is a lot like the wild west. It's every man for himself trying to get his hands on as much money as possible. With this comes a fair amount of angle-shooting, cheating, multi-account, lying, stealing, and other unethical approaches. Poker has the responsibility of governing itself. No one else is going to do it for us.
To date, the poker world has generally done a horribly inadequate job of policing itself. For the most part, the bad guys get to win. Get caught in a multi-accounting scandal? Don't worry about it, just lay low for a few months and you'll be fine. You'll probably even get an online poker room sponsorship out of it.
Unfortunately, the poker world is somewhat overran by angle-shooting d-bags and even more unfortunately, there are little to no consequences for these unethical actions. Annie Duke's Epic Poker League has taken a stride towards remedying this with their Standards and Conduct Committee, but that really only polices the tiny fraction of the poker world with an EPL membership card or a reasonable chance at one day acquiring one.
A governing body is needed for the remainder of the poker world. It would be great to see organizations like the WSOP, WPT, and leading online poker rooms come together to form a governing body through which bans from participating in their games can be handed out based on transgressions. You can even call it what it is, The Poker Court. There'd be a judge, jury, trial, the whole nine yards. The potential consequence? Being blacklisted from the game you've profited off of.
Wow... The Poker Court. I'd probably even pay a little extra rake to help fund that idea!
There is a seriously discouraging absence of groupies in the poker world. What's not to like about a bunch of dorks with money? I don't get why you don't see more women hanging around poker players. If you need any further proof as to how much women suck, just go to the WSOP next summer. You'll see virtually no women whatsoever. They're all too busy hanging out with the $30k millionaires at the clubs rather than hanging out with the millionaires who look like $30k bums at the Rio.
The poker world has only one groupie that I am aware of, the groupie, and we thank her for her efforts.
3. Legal Poker in the U.S.
Black Friday almost seems kind of surreal looking back on it. Like, did that really happen? Yes, apparently it did. In the "land of the free", the most prosperous and developed nation in the world, you can't play poker on the Internet. I personally had to relocate to Mexico to continue playing online poker. How comical is that when you think about it? Americans being compelled to relocate to Mexico! Nicely done, U.S. government. You found a way to bring some counterbalance to the trend of Mexicans scurrying into the U.S. by the truckload.
Poker is in what I would call the Dark Ages right now. It doesn't get any more pathetic from here. There's nowhere to go but up. Eventually, hopefully, online poker will be legalized in the U.S. and people like me can come back to our own country. That is if we even want to by that point. I feel better about my chances of surviving 2012 being nestled right up against Mayan ruins. Maybe they will spare my soul.
4. A Flamboyantly Gay Poker Pro
Supposedly something like 5% of males are homosexual. With that in mind, there simply must be at least a few homosexual poker pros. But whoever they are, they seem to be pretty private about it. Poker needs a flamboyant, openly gay poker pro to liven up the scenery a bit. Let's see just how "tight" some of these old-timers get when a dude in short shorts starts talking about what a "fabulous" play he just made. Where is our Richard Simmons?! Where is our Bruno?! I, for one, will welcome Howard Lederer back into the poker world with open arms if he embraces this role for us. C'mon Howard... how hard can it be? All that money and fame and we sure didn't see you in the company of many women that weren't your sister. Got anything you wanna tell us, Bubs? It's okay, we'll listen. A little honesty from you would be refreshing.
5. Lynch Mobs
Where is the poker lynch mob tracking down the whereabouts of Lederer, Ferguson, and Bitar right now? I don't remember getting an invite to the pitchforks, torches, and battering rams party. What's going on here? When do we get to go find Lederer in his hole (mansion) Saddam Hussein-style and bring him to justice? Are there any military resources available for this? We're leaving Iraq, so it's possible, right? Someone needs to get on this. Let's get these guys moving through the courts system or send them to Guantanamo or whatever it is that we do with frauds these days. Just watch out for those flying playing cards of death when apprehending Ferguson.
The Weekly Shuffle is our Sunday column with our observations and commentary on the poker world. Have an idea for an article? Leave a suggestion on the feedback page.
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