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Past Articles:

Thoughts on PokerStars VIP Changes
2015-12-20

The Top 9 Myths About Online Poker
2015-05-17

The 4 Worst Tips Given To Beginner Poker Players (Don't Fall Into These Traps)
2015-05-03

Should You Play Poker Professionally?
2015-04-05

Poker Can Change Your Life: 4 Inspirational Rags to Riches Stories
2015-03-29

The Discomfort Zone: Manage it for Growth and Success
2015-03-15

An Intro to Daily Fantasy Soorts
2015-03-08

The 4 Main Psychological Principles That Shape Your Poker Play
2015-02-15

A Detailed Rake and Reward Comparison of Three of the Top Poker Sites
2015-02-08

Don't Jump The Gun: Get Full Value From Your Best Hands
2015-02-01

The Weekly Shuffle Archives, 2005-2017


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100 Things To Do with Your Full Tilt Money

THE WEEKLY SHUFFLE, 2011-11-06, by Ozone

The poker world caught a great break last week on news that Full Tilt buyers struck a deal with the DOJ thus paving the way for the company to be sold and for players all over the world to be reunited with their Full Tilt monies. The deal is far from done, but it looks like there's a decent chance that money many players thought was gone forever may indeed still wind up in their pocket. The news is akin to finding out that Elvis is still alive and has many players wondering: what should I do with this newfound money?

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If indeed players are reimbursed their Full Tilt balances, they're going to need some ideas with what to do with the loot. Here are 100 Things To Do with Your Full Tilt Money:

Put it in a cloth bag and hug it while repeating the phrase, "it's not your fault..."

Deposit it into an account with a credit union to impress some #OccupyWallStreet hipster chick.

Burn it as a sacrifice to the variance gods. They will pay you back ten-fold. I promise.

Contribute it to the Howard Lederer Defense Fund. He's broke now, right? RIGHT?!

Build a survival bunker. 2012 is just around the corner...

Convert it all to various foreign currencies so you can impress people by showing them things you brought back from your made-up world travels.

Give it to a charity that provides African children with a small toy at Christmas.

Invest in my political betting fund. We're going to take SwoopAE for all he's worth this time around.

Bury it in a secret place. Tell only a resourceful old black man you will later befriend in prison the location.

Offer a 10% tithe to your French masters who reunited you with that money.

Bring 2007 back by making it rain in a club.

Origami.

Give it to Party Poker to hold onto. They'll actually keep it in a segregated account!

Pay a nice immigrant lady to clean your room, you lazy slob.

Make business cards. Give yourself a good title, you deserve it.

Use it to feed people who are hungry.

Splurge for the really good divorce attorney.

Buy a share in a publicly traded company and go smoke a cigar on a balcony overlooking the #OccupyWallStreet protests.

Tape it to the walls of your room.

Add a bathroom onto your house. You can never have too many toilets.

Buy something nice for someone in your life who actually tolerates you.

Put that sick spoiler that you've always known belongs on your Honda Civic.

Start a Ponzi scheme.

Take a trip to Vegas and put it all in play at a cash game table. Don't leave until you've at least doubled it or lost every cent.

Build an alligator-stocked moat around your property.

Deposit it to DraftDay and try your hand at grinding fantasy sports. (Available to residents of the U.S. and Canada only).

Hide it under your mattress.

Use it to go sit with Johnny Chan at the Taj that way you'll know.

Spend it all on late-night infomercial merchandise. You'll be broke, but every other problem in your life will be solved!

Open a restaurant that serves only gourmet breakfast sandwiches. Breakfast sandwiches are the next big thing, just watch. Your operating hours are 2 am to noon.

Put it all on the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup. An intelligent member of our poker forums, killcrazy, says they're good value!

Bet it all on Pius Heinz to win the 2011 Main Event. The Germans are going back into "take over the world" mode. You might as well profit off of it.

Set your grandchildren up for life by investing it in Shanghai real estate!

Protein powder, baby! Time to get ripped, bro!

Bottle service, baby!

Send Bill Frist a fruit basket. Rub scrotum on fruit before sending.

Buy a personal trainer to help whip Howard Lederer and Ray Bitar into shape before they go to prison.

Get your family heirlooms out of hawk.

Build a chicken coop. The ladies dig dudes with a plentiful supply of cage free, farm fresh eggs.

Invest it in your own record label. Produce pop hits using autotune technology. Profit wildly.

Pay yo damn bills!

Donate some of it to Subject Poker. Seriously, do that. They're more or less the only poker journalism outlet not in bed with at least one online poker room.

Charter a flight to the moon.

Divide it up among everyone you know and ask them to hold it for safe keeping. Clearly, you shouldn't be trusted with it.

Start a lemonade stand.

Spend 70% of it all on toilet paper. Scatter said toilet paper on the properties of Chris Ferguson, Howard Lederer, and Ray Bitar. Use remaining 30% to buy off anyone they attempt to hire to clean it up for them.

Buy every gumball out of the machine.

Buy a bunch of sick paintballing equipment to cement your spot as the coolest person that everybody who knows you knows.

Baller timepiece.

Put yourself into a WSOP event with the money. Why not? You thought the money was goner anyway and getting to play in the WSOP is a pretty cool experience if you haven't done so already.

Invest in a hobby.

Donate it to the campaign of a politician who actually looks out for your interests. What's that? There aren't any of those? Okay, use it to run for office then.

Craigslist used furniture shopping binge.

Go hide and offer all of the money to the first person to find you.

Take a massage class. You can go anywhere in life if you know how to give a good massage. And by "anywhere", I mean "straight to a $20/hour manual labor job that will give you arthritis in 5 years."

Use it to stake Lord Mushroom and let the poor boy use it to buy a piece of software, you heartless bastard!

Invest it all in Chinese fireworks and store them somewhere visibly so they'll spare your life during their inevitable world conquest.

Commission some broke artist to paint a portrait of you. Hang said portrait prominently.

Track down Chris Ferguson, surreptitiously cut off his pony tail, sell it on eBay.

Help put a single mom through college, if you catch my drift...

Buy a bunch of Twitter followers to feel better about yourself.

Use it to play satellites to the 2012 Aussie Millions at Titan Poker.

Cryogenically freeze it.

Build a shrine to Bernard Tapie and pray to it every night before you go to sleep.

Invest it all in pogs. I have a feeling they're coming back.

Hire a personal body guard for as long as the money will afford you one.

Throw a "Welcome Home!" surprise party for it.

Buy a big bag of weed. Wait, don't! That would be supporting terrorism.

Open your own illegal online poker room.

Give it to your Mom as a thank you for caring for you when you were unable to do so yourself. She probably has a million uses for it.

Treat yourself to a nice plot at the local cemetery.

Lasik eye surgery.

Spend it all on Phil Hellmuth-produced poker training materials so you too can be an ELEVEN TIME WORLD CHAMPION OF POKER!

Convert it to low denomination coins. Bathe in them.

Tattoo an Ace on your wrist that way when you're wearing sleeves it's like you have an Ace up your sleeve! People will praise you for your originality and creativity, trust me.

Catch up on that child support.

Hire a therapist to help you cope with the stress you incurred from thinking you lost your Full Tilt balance.

Invest it in an energy drink company. I heard that's the next big bull market!

Deposit it to 888 Poker to have a bankroll for their nightly $0.99 rebuy $1,000 guaranteed turbo tournament. It's as addicting as crack. Three optional 10,000 chip add-ons!

Hire a clown.

Buy a crapload of lottery tickets. You don't want to be a part of the 99% forever, do you?

Pay for the music you download for a change, you thief.

Help Al Krux make bail.

Bet it all on Red 35. It probably won't hit, but can you imagine how awesome it would be if it did?

Laser hair removal; you know you need it, you hairy beast.

Buy a TJ Cloutier WSOP bracelet. There has to be one for sale somewhere, right?

Visit fabulous Playa del Carmen, Mexico. I'll take you to an awesome fish restaurant with this view.

Coke binge (Coca Cola of course).

Give it to Ben Lamb. He's probably going to get it eventually anyway.

Buy a copy of Rounders for each of your friends. There's a lot of life lessons in that film. For instance, did you know that in the poker game of life, women are the rake?

Invest in a drum set. More being cool, less being considerate to the neighbors.

Give it to an attractive lady to keep you company for a night on the town. It's only illegal if you sleep with her, I think.

Quit that job and write that novel.

Launch an online poker site where you can Learn, Chat, and Play with the Pros! What a killer marketing idea that would be. You're welcome.

Lots of toilet paper. It'll be the currency of choice when the end of the world comes.

Spend all but $1 of it on the nicest frame your money can buy. Frame and hang said remaining dollar.

Build a slide in your condo. Or if your balance wasn't that big, get one of these.

Buy yourself a life if you actually counted to see if there are 100 things on this list.

Invest it all in the most expensive glass of scotch it can get you. Lederer got to live like a fat cat on that money once already. You might as well do the same.

Go get wasted, you got your Full Tilt money back!

The Weekly Shuffle is our Sunday column with our observations and commentary on the poker world. Have an idea for an article? Leave a suggestion on the feedback page.

 


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