7 Poker Headlines You Won't Read in 2013
THE WEEKLY SHUFFLE, 2012-12-02, by TwoGun, OzoneHere are the poker headlines and article snippets you won't be seeing from the poker world in 2013:
Online Poker Legalized in All 50 States Following Federal Legislation
Congress comes together to create bipartisan bill to legalize online poker. "After careful deliberation, we realized it was the right thing to do," said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell. "Great, now I can finally get back on PokerStars," praised President Barack Obama as he signed the bill into legislation.
WSOP Main Event Final Table Devoid of 20-Somethings
A 73 year old, four 50-somethings, three 40-somethings and a 37 year old will compete for the title of 2013 World Series of Poker Champion after the final hoodie-wearing, stoner 20-something was eliminated on the bubble in 10th place. This breaks a streak of five consecutive years in which the tournament was won by a player under the age of 25, a streak that began in 2008 when then-22 year old Peter Eastgate became the first champion from Denmark.
Seven Card Stud Becomes Cool Again
After nearly a decade of Texas Hold'em and specifically no-limit Texas Hold'em being king, poker players suddenly have discovered seven card stud again en masse.
"Sure, no limit hold'em tournaments are exciting, but playing $2-$4 fixed-limit stud is where the true beauty of poker is at," remarked one 23 year-old poker player. "I can't believe I wasted so much time saying 'all-in' when I really should have just been folding and occasionally doing a fixed raise this whole time!"
Poker rooms across the nation have reported that they are shutting down their no limit hold'em tournaments in favor of low-limit stud cash games. "Only old geezers still play no limit," remarked one poker room manager.
Poker Movie Wins Academy Award for Best Picture
Ever since Rounders, the poker world has been awaiting another great poker movie. So far, the best it got was Lucky You. That is until the documentary/love story of online poker players, "Raise Me," came out.
"Raise Me is truly a classic" remarked one film critic. "As you literally watch the main character play a 14 hour, 12 table session, you also see his gchat box with a woman where he pours his heart out."
"He and his mysterious girlfriend truly share a connection, where he often remarks 'FML' and '3 outter WTF ughhzzzzz' and she says 'that sux.' The dialogue is so postmodern."
Raise Me was both a box office hit, grossing $200 million, as well as won four academy awards, including best picture. A sequel "I Fold," is being planned for production and accounts for a grinder's Black Friday experience.
Nevada Decides to Table Legal Online Poker Plans
"Nah, we're just really not that interested in the revenue," remarked a Nevada state congressman following the state's decision to reverse plans to create a legal online poker infrastructure. A Nevada Gaming Control Board officer said that, "we felt like it would be a lot of work for us to regulate the new market, so we're happy with the state's decision."
The move drew praise from AllVegasPoker.com CEO Jon Friedberg who said, "I'm really happy about this. While the advertising revenue from online poker would have been nice, we felt like legal online poker was just too much change too soon. Maybe in the next decade."
Barely Recognizable, Howard Lederer Apologizes to Poker World
A slimmed-down Howard Lederer reappeared in public in late September to apologize for the poker world regarding his handling of the collapse of Full Tilt Poker.
"I realized I needed to take a break and get my life in order," said Lederer, who now weighs in at 180 pounds and has plans to run his first marathon this fall.
Lederer is teaming up with his sister Annie Duke to create a fund for poker players affected by their failed business ventures. The pair are co-authoring a book titled "All-In on Doing the Right Thing" which will detail their path to personal restoration and plans for using poker to selflessly give back to less fortunate members of the global community in the coming decades.
Online Poker Pro Decides to Do Volunteer Work
A 19 year old online poker pro who plays through the screenname '3betchya' today decided he will skip playing online poker one day per week in order to volunteer to build houses for 'Habitat for Humanity'.
"Even though I'm giving up forty, or maybe even fifty dollars in EV by skipping my usual Thursday session, I decided it's worth the benefit to get some fresh air and use my hands to help improve the lives of people in my community," said '3betchya' in an interview with PokerListings who recently took down advertisements to US-facing online poker rooms out of guilt that they might be sending players to a place where their money isn't safe.
The Weekly Shuffle is our Sunday column with our observations and commentary on the poker world. Have an idea for an article? Leave a suggestion on the feedback page.
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