10 Ways to Advertise Yourself as a Clown
THE WEEKLY SHUFFLE, 2013-03-09, by OzoneTable image can mean everything in a live poker game. If you can induce your opponents to think you're a clowny poker player, it can set you up to get paid off nicely. Why should show up in sunglasses and a hoodie and immediately signal to everyone that you're no Nate McNiterson?
Here are ten ways to advertise yourself as a clown at the table to keep your opponents from realizing you might know a thing or two about poker:
Where a button down shirt fit for a night club.
You want to look like you just came out of an all-night bottle-service-buying bender. Nothing says sucker like bottle service so find those best club-going outfit you've got and strap it on for the poker table.
Show every bluff.
Bluff just for the possibility that you might be able to show the bluff. One bluff shown is equal to five bluffs that were never shown. Get under your opponents' skin.
Mutter nonsensical strategy at the table.
"Well everyone knows you always fold two pair to a raise," or, "never play a pair in early position unless its Aces," are the kind of statements that are your friend. This is for two reasons: one, it's just bad advice. Of course there are situations where you can continue on with two pair facing a raise or play a pocket pair in early position that isn't Aces. Secondly, you get to incorporate two words that rarely belong in poker advice: "always" and "never".
Troll your opponents by arguing over things that don't matter.
People love to argue about things that don't matter. Your mission is, should you choose to accept it, is to bait your opponents into arguments about anything that just doesn't matter. Sports and politics are a good starting point.
If you think you might have the winning hand, always act like it's the nuts.
Don't just turn over your cards all sheepishly hoping it's the best hand. Slam those babies down on their backs with a sense of pride. Because second pair surely is good here, right?
Drink at the table.
This one is a slippery slope because alcohol can actually turn you into a clown if you're not careful. But most players are pretty willing to assume anyone drinking at the table is a spewy idiot. Just by ordering one or two drinks you're announcing to the table that all the money will be going in bad any minute.
Insist that Aces were originally only high in hold'em.
What do these guys know after all? You're an expert on poker history. Incessantly remind your opponents that hold'em is meant to be played with Aces high-only and that it's an abomination that they can be used to make a wheel-straight. Call the floor and argue with them on this point and then insist that he's an incompetent idiot following the exchange.
Pause to ask the dealer a hand-ranking question mid-hand.
"Does a flush beat a straight?" is a great question to ask just before bluff-raising on the turn.
Talk about how despite him not being very popular, Howard Lederer's 2005 DVD 'Secrets of No-Limit Hold'em' is the best poker training material ever produced.
"Listen, I know 'The Professor' isn't real popular in circles with those Internet hold'em kids, but I've read all the books and seen all the DVDs and nothing tops Secrets of No-Limit Hold'em... I mean... he really does give away secrets!"
Create your own whole set of nicknames for every poker hand.
... and then incorporate these nicknames seamlessly into poker stories. When asked what you had on the last hand, tell them you had the Lucky Lobster. It's not your fault if your opponents don't know all of your secret code names for your hands. You can even announce what you have mid-hand when faced with a decision. "Wow this is a tough spot when you're holding The Bandit."
The Weekly Shuffle is our Sunday column with our observations and commentary on the poker world. Have an idea for an article? Leave a suggestion on the feedback page.
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